Staying Hungry

I’ve shared close quarters and even closer business partnerships with some pretty stranger folks in my life. But, I have to admit this hen and puppy picture beats any mutually beneficial arrangement I ever had. As I’m working on my book proposal one of the qualities I’m expounding on is tolerance. It’s not on the usual list of entrepreneurial or success traits that I’ve seen, but it’s a critical element for both.

Why? Well, because by “bedfellows,” we mean people that we are - by need or design, close to, intimate with even. We share SOMETHING in common - or we wouldn’t be rubbing elbows. That “something” may be all we share, but it’s important that we recognize that that something is pretty critical or we’d be looking elsewhere for it.

I hope that makes sense. For instance… as a security guard in an old paper warehouse in Denver in the 80’s, I worked the graveyard shift. It meant wandering around in the bowels of the paper plant alone, at night, with the rats. I don’t mean mice. I mean rats. I had to stoop to traverse leaky old pipes, slog through puddles and walk through piles of shredded paper and cardboard. Me and the rats. Ugh. I could hear them squealing and running and falling or leaping off of bales of paper as I trekked along on my hourly rounds. The only thing worse than the rats were the spiders. I soon learned to bang on the metal door with my flashlight before I entered each room. It gave them fair warning and I didn’t worry about them falling onto my neck or head from the overhead pipes.

After several weeks of this, one night I didn’t hear them. No snuffling, squeaking or rustling of paper. No thump, thump, thump as they hit the floor in a panic to escape. Just silence. It meant that someone else had already been through ahead of me - and had already scared them off. It took me a bit to figure that out - like about three minutes later when I rounded the corner and found a work crew no one had told me about. It scared me to walk up on them unexpectedly - and frightened them as well, but ever after that I learned to appreciate the rats. They were my signal that I was alone on the hundreds of acres of empty factory. They were my “strange bedfellows.” We shared space in a way that benefited us both I suppose.

As the world changes, economies shift and resources tighten or disappear, being able to recognize, utilize and capitalize on “strange bedfellows,” is almost a necessity. We no longer have the luxury of picking and choosing the company, the person or the opportunity we might fire on all cylinders with. Finding a common need is a way to do several things:

Extend our capabilities
Extend our network
Open ourselves to new ideas, approaches and markets
Learn tolerance
See need, purpose and design differently than we might otherwise have
Appreciate the smallest, most seemingly insignificant or important things in our world.

There are more benefits I’m sure. But those stand out for me right now. I hope you can think of opportunities in your life where “a strange bedfellow,” is or has been a blessing in disguise. Even if that disguise is a rat, you never know how valuable their contribution may be.

Tweet This Post 

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog” is an adage which began as the caption of a Peter Steiner cartoon published by ”The New Yorker” on July 4, 1993. Since then the cartoon has taken on a life of its own - like the “smiley face” in a way.  The cartoon shows two dogs: One sitting on a chair in front of a computer, speaking the caption to a second dog sitting on the floor. As of 2000 it was the most published cartoon ever from The New Yorker. No, I don’t have the headline to my post wrong.

"On the internet no one knows you're a dog."

What’s funny about Peter’s cartoon - on several levels, is how people can BE anyone they want to be, and many a tech savvy teenager has passed for an adult in venues where they’d never gain entrance in person. Yet the reverse is true as well - if your tech skills, your writing, your keyboard and dissociative social skills aren’t up to par people may indeed MISTAKE YOU FOR A DOG!

So while men can pretend to be women, and women can pretend to be girls and everyone can pretend to be pretty much anyone  and no one much notices - I noticed something. People don’t notice that some of those folks they’re meeting are disabled and may be mistaken for “dogs.” (in the slang term meaning “not pretty or desirable,”)

I don’t mean disabled as in a wheelchair, although they may be. I mean many of the folks I interact with have mental disabilities, depression, cancer, age issues diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome and a variety of illnesses that should become invisible on the internet - but don’t. Because while hiding your looks, or your status, or your accent or gender online is fairly simple, hiding your disability, your lack of skills, your age or other challenges is often not so easy.

From the speed of typing, to the age or other challenges, disabilities are often hard to hide. I teach basic computer skills at a local college (volunteer) a couple of times a month. Those attending are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. They are determined to learn to get online. Most are men. Unlike their sons or grandsons who can type 100 words per minute with their thumbs, they never learned to type. So they hunt and peck. As a result, their blog posts and their infrequent emails tend to be rather short. More time is spent hunting for the keys than thinking about what and how they want to say what they have to say.

As a result their communications are terse, and not the sort of compelling prose they speak in person. On the internet, no one knows what kind, gentle, generous souls they are. On the internet, no one hears their laughter, or their jokes or sees their smiles. I have learned to encourage them to be upfront with their shortcomings - to make a joke - so they let those reading their posts understand their limitations.

“In real life I’m a real chatter-box. But I don’t type as fast as I talk,” I urge them to tell folks when they first come online. Maybe I’m helping, maybe I’m doing them a disservice. I just know when I talk to someone and they sound a little odd, hearing, “I’m sorry, I had chemo today,” or “I’m sorry, I have some medical issues and today is not a good day,” make all the difference in the world to me. I should be patient because I have my days too - with my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia flare-ups there are times I can’t remember what I wanted to say, or I sound out of it myself!

“I’m okay!!” I want to shout

“I just didn’t get the 30-hours sleep I needed last night!”

This has been one of those weeks for me. I worry that I haven’t posted every day, or that I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake. Then this afternoon a friend recovering from another round of chemo wrote to apologize for not answering an email I sent a few days ago.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof all week has just been so much more relaxing than answering email.”

I know exactly what she meant.

Tweet This Post 

With the economy the way it is, people keep telling me no one is building homes or buying homes. But I learned there’s a great opportunity for small contractors right now.

Are you a small contractor? Maybe you want to start a contracting business, but only have one or two friends who are willing to work for or with you. Well, there’s a HUGE opportunity for you if you’re willing to do SIPS erections. What is SIPS? It’s a building system (Structured Insulated Panels) that’s been around since the 1930’s. It’s totally green. Cost the same or less than stick built, is NOT mobile home housing and NOT modular. Energy bills are HALF the bills in a stick built home and the AC and heating system is half the size of a normal until too.

What’s the opportunity for SMALL contractors? Well, these homes go up in ONE day to ONE WEEK and the average, employee-heavy contractor wants to keep their employees working on a home for a MONTH. The average contractor is concerned with payroll, not the cost to the homebuilder. So, just like they’ve been doing since the 1930’s - big contractors have been squashing, ignoring or overcharging homeowners in order to keep them from using SIPS.

But if you’re a homeowner and you’re NOT using SIPS, you’re losing money.

Ever since the ’30’s the lumber industry has been fighting SIPS (because SIPS uses structural wafer board which is less expensive and more structurally sound than board lumber). Contractors fight it because labor costs are 1/4 the usual cost because the crews only work a day or a week not a month. Utility companies don’t like them because they consume less power, less heat and less gas. The only person who really benefits from a SIPS home is the HOMEOWNER!! Gee…..and you wonder why it’s been around since the 1930’s and we haven’t heard of it. Now you know.

So, take note guys and gals looking for an opportunity. All you need a a crane and crane operator - which are rented anyway - they don’t work for you except on a contract basis.  And - a 3-4 man crew can erect anything from a 500 to 1,000 square foot house in a day or week, and a larger home 2,000 square feet in a week to a month.

Most experienced contractors and crews learn how to do the erection on their first job. Think about it. You can corner the market on this because the established contractors won’t touch it because it’s too efficient. Get into this market while the getting is good - because it is  WIDE OPEN. Architects - it takes less time to draw up the plans, the structure is more sound, able to withstand level 3 and 4 hurricanes, earthquakes etc. and more flexible in terms of design (you can erect the home and THEN decide where to cut windows and doors even!! You aren’t limited by 8 foot spans - SIPS panels come in 12-foot spans. EVERY wall is load bearing by design - so the possibilities are endless! They’re practically fireproof, more structurally sound…. and yet… no one is looking at them because the lumber, contracting and  energy opportunists are more worried about a profit. Go figure.

Isn’t it amazing how blind we are to opportunities around us? Isn’t it amazing how we let other people tell a story and yet we fail to see the real story? If you’re a big contractor or real estate agent you want to make money - but you want to make it the way you’ve always made it.  You don’t see the potential.

If you can look at a situation - like construction and contracting, in a different light now - then imagine what will happen when the economy shifts and people start building in earnest in 5-10 years. You’ll have the experience and people to keep your crews erecting whole energy-efficient developments. Heck, you might even be able to convince someone to let you put up these things for natural disasters. There’s a shortage of SIPS trained contractors and a lot of potential and demand for them. Check it out. http://sips.org.

Tweet This Post 

Buddy (left) and Otis (right) are best friends. Obviously they have their differences - size being the first thing that leaps to mind. But more than that is life perspective. Buddy is bigger, slower, WAAAY more mellow and laid back. And Otis, well, Otis is a chihuahua. He’s the canine equivalent of the hummingbird. Yet - they manage to get along very well. Buddy sleeps, Otis stands guard. Otis, I hear, never sleeps. He is also prone to be more cautious, more adamant and opinionated. Yet - they find common ground. In spite of occupying the extremes of their universe they manage to both “be dogs.”

I have a few friendships like this. All we have in common is we are both human. I find myself chasing my interests and passions as they ravel and spin out into the universe like balloons freed of their knotted gatekeepers -  my friends watch in amusement. They tend to be grounded, rationale, reasonable and practical. I’m Otis….yapping and snapping and spinning in circles and exhausting myself while my “Buddy” (or Buddies) are snoring, sniffing the air, lolling on their back or expecting someone to come along and slip them a treat or scratch their ears. Their world and their world view is so different, so safe, so ordinary and practical. And mine - so full of things to chase, shadows to watch, people and things and and and and….stuff. Whew. It’s exhausting.

But as I studied this photo and smiled at “Buddy” sleeping “safely” under Otis’ protective guard, it occurred to me that our best friendships are the ones like this - the ones that bring our uniqueness, our one-of-a-kind outlook on life, or solutions, or circumstance to the relationship.

Life with another six or seven Otis’ would drive us all to snarl and snap at each other. Put Buddy with six of his kind and you’d have the snooze of the century - with nothing much getting done. Like Buddy and Otis - those we have the least in common with are our best friends because they enable us to shine at what we do best. It’s been said that a candle shines the brightest in the darkest room and I have to agree. Look around. Someone in your life is the darkness that allows you to shine and vice-versa. And whether you’re friends or not - realize that the qualities that make you uniquely you are best revealed in your differences - not your sameness.

Tweet This Post 

I’m a story teller. I talk to people. I watch. I listen. I tell the stories I hear. Businesses hire me to find and craft the story they want to tell their customers. Friends ask me to listen to what they’re talking about to discern what their unspoken and even their spoken story is so they can decide whether to change it or not. Life, especially lately, is all about stories for me.

So what is a story?

A story is a string of opinions, beliefs, facts, myths, understandings and awarenesses we all have about a given situation. For years my primary story has been, “I had a hard life, but overcame so much, but now I’m stuck.”  Other people’s stories range from, “I’m a victim,” to “I can do no wrong.” Yes, there are details and characters and plot twists - who raised us, beat us, supported us, didn’t support us, criticized us, cheated us, disrespected us, married us, divorced us, loved us, hated us, helped us, ignored us, and gave us a hand up or a hand out or kicked us when we were down.

But the story line is always simple - “I’m well, I’m great, Life sucks, Life is great, I’m happy, I’m miserable, I’m rich, I’m poor,” and so on. Your friends and family certainly know your story. So does your boss, your church, your co-workers, your neighbors and the people you do business with. Why don’t you? Those around us know our story because we repeat it every day through our actions and our words. We have to. Like batting a balloon in the air to keep it up - we must speak or act out our story to keep it alive. So we do. We know our own story so well we don’t listen to the words anymore - and we’re often shocked when we force ourselves to listen.

We complain. We encourage. We’re broke. We’re poor. We’re ignored. We’re bitter. We’re rarely happy. Words and deeds - we are story in motion. To change ourselves however, we MUST first change our story, not ourselves. That’s where the motivational speakers get it all wrong. Changing our story - not our selves, comes first.  To change our story we must first know what it is. You can do this several ways - ask your friends, your spouse, your co-worker, your neighbors. They’ll know and if you’re lucky, they’ll kindly tell you what it is.

Or, listen to yourself. Keep a diary or journal. What do you say all day every day? My story was, “I’m barely making it. I’m so broke.” Of course it was true - so I didn’t see what the issue was. It’s truth, right? Yes - it is -because it’s my story!! But to change my story I had to change what I kept alive and what story I told. So I started by simply saying, “I have more business every day!” and  you know what? Now THAT story is true. I DO have more business every day! I’m not talking airy-fairy positive affirmations. I’m talking about focusing on what I had to be grateful about. One day I had no work, the next day I had an assignment. “Wow! I have more business every day!” was true. I looked for things to focus on that told me my new story was true. Someone called for advice. Usually the phone never rings. So I told the person, “Thank you. I’m getting more calls for advice this week than I have in months.” The phone hasn’t stopped ringing this week. I changed the story and the story changed. We’re all story tellers - and that’s all you too have to do really….

So listen to yourself. Don’t worry about changing yourself. Just change your story. The world will take care of the rest.

Tweet This Post 

Sorry for the title. Blame Malcom Gladwell. I’m halfway through “Outliers” (page 173) and laughing so hard I had to stop.

“Call a southerner an asshole and he’s itching for a fight.” Gladwell writes, describing an experiment where northerners and southerners encountered a carefully constructed experiment. He’s right. I could have told him that without the experiment. I also understand why southerners have a slow fuse, but surpass their wimpy northern counterparts in explosive capability once they are pushed to the breaking point. We southerners are a unique breed and I’m truly sorry Gladwell doesn’t understand why. Why? Because the same dynamic that drives southerners drives inner-city gangs and the mafia. There are some differences, but after his insightfulness about the importance of “community” in the beginning of the book, Gladwell doesn’t seem to connect the dots about the core/soul/spirit of WHAT specifically is so important about community. He seems to be looking at most of the things that are important to community - mitigated speech, connection, interaction etc. - but he doesn’t seem to make the most vital connection. It’s on the tip of his tongue I think…but not quite there.

Part of my father’s family hails from Harlan, KY. I spent part of a summer there in 2005 (one week) learning how to do portrait photography in the local Wal-Mart. I interacted with 20-30 families every day for a week, talking to them about their kids, their lives and chatting them up as I took their portraits. That many families wanting photos during the week is high. And there’s a reason. Harlan is hot. It was particularly hot that week - even my motel AC wasn’t working. A lot of folks in Harlan either don’t have air conditioning, or don’t use it, so they go to the Wal-Mart and wander around during the day to stay cool. One of the ways to not get run off when you spend six hours in the Wal-Mart without buying something is to stand in line and get your kid’s picture taken.

So for me, that week as a people watcher was invaluable. I put my people skills to work helping families save money. Women on welfare and working too, would spend $400 for pictures of their kids. To tell a southerner how to spend their money or suggest that they can’t afford something means, essentially, “Calling them an asshole.” I had two choices, keep my mouth shut (not really a Becky option) or help someone determined to spend rent on photos get the best deal. To get the best deal on photos, buying a certain value card could save them$150 or more than $300 over a year on photos. But the card cost $10 and most associates failed in getting customers to buy the card because they didn’t know the right story to tell.

Yet I easily held the record at that store for sales of the card and the associate I explained it to also doubled his sales. Why? I understand BOTH how to piss off a southerner AND how to woo them. One word - “Respect.” It’s all in the story I told about the card and in the end, they were always the smart one. I quit that job soon after. What Gladwell doesn’t know is that the poor DO dote on their kids, but only until a certain age - around four or five. Once the kids start school THEN the youngsters are on their own.

Gladwell seems perplexed about the mechanism that makes Southerners Southerners. He just doesn’t “get it.” Why? He asks, do southerners persist in “being southern.” He has done other experiments and can’t figure it out. And that is why I’m laughing. Just as most readers overlook the birth date indicator on the hockey teams, Gladwell overlooks the answer to his own question. “Don’t call me asshole.” He knows that’s the trigger, but he doesn’t understand why. To a southerner, it’s obvious. Painfully obvious.

I’d heard both good and bad about this book and I have to say, it’s interesting reading. I’ve recognized the things he’s describing all my life, but now I know the science/facts behind it. And I understand better the “advantages” I had as a writer. My spending 10-20 hours a week for seven years writing “papers” so my father wouldn’t beat me gave me the 10,000 hour advantage to launch my writing skills. (For those not familiar with my story, my father would strip me and beat me regularly with a leather belt for any reason or no reason. At the age of 10 I asked him if I could write a paper (he was a huge advocate of education and the only thing he respected in life was great writing) about why he shouldn’t beat me if he would stop with the belt already. He agreed. For the next seven years I wrote for my life.) Malcom was right about people getting the edge by starting early and being motivated. I certainly was.

I’m starting to ramble. But I was so taken with the book and Malcom’s statement I had to post. And for those who want to understand the second most important thing about southerners…..never apologizing for offending them leaves the door to the feud open. If at any time the Hatfields and McCoys, or other feuders had sincerely apologized for offending or harming another - the feud would have ended. As long as there is no apology, any time you appear in public you are saying “You’re an asshole,” all over. It’s part of the code. I know Northerners, Aussies and the Brit’s and perhaps other cultures don’t understand that - so I just thought I’d share. Apologies work for everyone, but the southerner is unique in that the feud or ill will will last for life. If your customers are southern, and a good deal of them most likely are, it’s a good thing to know.

Tweet This Post 

Helen Gurley Brown

I answered a post elsewhere from someone who wondered if other people have self-doubt and fear. The writer wondered if she could be a leader since she doubted her abilities and her self. My answer was yes, of course.

The fact is, I’ve heard or read about many speakers - particularly the “positive” ones like Norman Vincent Peale who were definitely living under, or in a dark cloud of doubt. Almost to a person every great leader, from Churchill to Kennedy, say that they were often depressed and wracked with doubts - usually at the time those who admired them most believed they were at the top of their game. And all of them encountered criticism for their actions and faith, only adding to their depression - if they let it.

Peale, like other heretics, was soundly and heavily criticized for his work and his book, “The Power of Positive Thinking.” Yet - his influence was incredible - and the fact the book has sold more than 5 million copies is a testament to his influence. He said he had the “worst inferiority complex of all” and developed his “power of positive thinking” primarily as a way to help himself. I didn’t learn that until much later in my own life….when I started reading biographies to learn if anyone else was as doubt ridden as I was. His bio was inspiring but it was another interview I read that changed my life….

I used to spend hours wondering if anyone else was as depressed and miserable as I was. Then, at age 25 or thereabouts, I read an interview with Helen Gurley Brown, famous mostly for her taking the helm of the magazine Cosmopolitan and literally turning the dying magazine around. Known today for its raciness, in the 60’s when she took over, Cosmopolitan magazine was a “general interest magazine.”

She turned it into a controversial, but much loved magazine that told women they COULD have it all - sex, money, love and men. The magazine began to explore “how women should define themselves, and reconcile liberation with their interest in men.” Considering it was the era of the explosion of feminists who seemed intent on hating and cutting men out of their lives, it was a controversial stand. For many women, Cosmo, as opposed to many of the “liberated” magazines from feminists of the day, was the happily heterosexual magazine of the times. Controversial, VERY racy and radical (tame by today’s standards).

Brown was considered, by many, as more powerful and influential than Gloria Steinem, a former Playboy bunny turned staunch feminist, journalist and leader, who was also the founder and publisher of Ms. magazine. While I admired both, that interview clinched it for me. Brown talked about her early days as the editor-in-chief of Cosmo. She described many a day when she would “curl up in a fetal position under her desk and sob,” wondering if she really had what it took to do what she was doing. She said she didn’t know enough about the publishing business, although she was a gifted copywriter and prior to Cosmo, the highest paid female copywriter in the business.

The fact that this brilliant woman (I was a huge Cosmo AND Ms. magazine fan at the time) would not only crawl under her desk and cry - paralyzed with fear, but that would admit it - made me admire her all the more. From then on when I had my doubts just visualizing her under her desk gave me the courage to get through whatever was tearing at me. It still does.

We all have fears and doubts. Courage is simply the ability to act in spite of those fears and doubts and wavering self-confidence. And if Brown could curl up, week after week, under her desk and cry and still get up and go back at it - then so can we.

Tweet This Post 

“Shortly after World War II, executives at Japan’s Toyota Motor Company made a decision from which, I believe, we all can benefit. They decided to make cars the way they’d make, say, sushi. Unlike most manufacturers, which bought and stored massive stockpiles of supplies, Toyota began ordering just enough parts to keep their lines moving, just when those parts were needed. This made them spectacularly productive, and turned the phrase “just in time” into business legend.”

Now, Martha’s article talks about how the same principle applies to our personal lives as well. Read the whole thing for more info. I did. And it occurred to me that I help a lot of people “just because” I like to help. But this morning someone asked me for a favor (after I’d read the article) and my first thought was, “You know, I really don’t want to do that but maybe I’d better, just-in-case…..” and then Martha’s words came flooding back. “Just in case I need him to do something for me sometime.” I was shocked. Most of the time I never have expectations. I don’t give wanting something back - or if I do, I tell the person, “Okay, this is a favor - you owe me.” (ie. I got up at 3 a.m. to bring you gas, help you change a flat tire, or I gave up my weekend to cat-sit so you could go on your honeymoon) things like that. Or, I just give and forget.

It never occurred to me how many times I’m doing something for  someone “just in case”….so I decided to stop. I said, “You know, that doesn’t really work for me. I’m just not a petition-signing-drive kind of person.” And I said no. And I’m not really all that worried that I might ever need his help in the future. I know that I’m not a pressure kind of person and even if he “owed me one,” chances are very, very good he wouldn’t pay up. He’s just not that kind of guy. So my little, “just-in-case” was a guilt soother for me. A way to justify to myself that I was helping, not just afraid or unable to say, “No.”

Then I looked at my inbox at all the emails that are “just-in-case” I need to know how to do this….emails clogging up folders. So today I’m going to eliminate them. I can always Google the info - and rely on the “Just in Time” solution….which, after thinking about that….is what I do now anyway….How about you? What’s your management style?

Tweet This Post 

“Each time you do something new you become something new,” Kenneth Herman, author of Secrets From the Sofa.

Herman has it right. Our bodies know this. Every cell in our body is replaced every 30-45 days  - making us literally a “new” person throughout our lives. But the practical aspect of changing our perception, attitudes and actions is left up to us and to our minds.

If I fail, but have tried and even persisted, I become something new. The stigma of failure is washed away. The “newness” of the act of attempting remains.  I like this. Today I have decided to become someone new - to try new things, explore new possibilities. Like the saying, “You can’t step into the same stream twice,” we are freed from our fear. What new person will you become today?

Thanks to  Laurie Kienlen for the inspiration!

Tweet This Post 

My van is sitting in a parking lot three blocks from here. It’s on it’s last legs…er wheels. The carborateur is fouling the plugs. I just had them changed a week ago - $104. Now, they’re fouled again and apparently cleaning and adjusting carborateur’s has become a speciality skill. Only two people in town do it. The joys of an old vehicle. I’m faced with deciding to put money into the carborateur or to go without a vehicle for a while and look for another (save for another).

Change happens when it is least convenient and is a blessing or a curse depending on how prepared we are for it. If I had another car or the funds for one, waiting in the wings, the van’s demise would be a blip on the radar. I’d welcome the chance to swap it out. But because it’s happened at an inconvenient time - ie when I can’t afford a new/used car right now - it’s more than a blip.

Is it possible to prepare for change? How many millions of Madoff’s ponsie scheme, Wall St.’s crash, the economy tanking. Can we truly prepare financially for change or must we change our mindset instead? Can we accept that change is inevitable and focus on the next step rather than the last loss? It’s a plan.

Tweet This Post