Staying Hungry

A friend of mine is mad at a family member of hers. She has been for 10 years. He embarrassed her at a family function and she’s never forgiven  him, and doesn’t plan to until he apologizes. I told her today that some people won’t ever apologize, some people aren’t capable of apologizing, and some people’s apologies aren’t even apologies and worthless and meaningless anyway.

After being blindsided by someone on a social media site I belong to I wanted an apology. I’m not going to get it, but yesterday I realized it didn’t matter - for all the reasons above. It must be God’s way of confirming what I figured out yesterday to get to explain it to someone else today.

The ONLY reason for an apology is to “clear the decks” so the relationship can get back on track. That’s it. Period. Forgiveness of someone is so WE can get past an incident, drop the baggage and move on with our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t need anybody but us. An apology involves TWO people. Why? Because apologies are for when you WANT to preserve or work on the relationship. If you don’t care - or the relationship is toast anyway - an apology doesn’t matter. One or both people are saying, “I’m not happy, it hurt, but I’m willing to work on what we have and get past it.”

If they’re not willing to apologize - they’re not interested in you or the relationship. So bail out, forgive them (that’s another post) and get on with your life.

I realized after repeated public postings and making myself vulnerable, expressing my hurt etc. that there was never going to be an apology from this person. NOT only is she incapable of an apology, she has no desire to pursue the friendship and an apology at this point would be superficial and meaningless. Why? Because now, after all that - I no longer have any desire for the connection.

I explained this to my friend and she’s thinking about it. She’s not ready to write him off. She still wants the apology. But this time she’s trying a different tack - she’s being honest about how it made her feel, how it hurt her, how he’s someone she wants to be friends with. Knowing them both - I’m pretty sure he’ll apologize - even if he doesn’t even remember what he did or said. He’ll do it because he values the relationship more than being right, or being funny at her expense.

So next time YOU’RE wanting an apology or reluctant to apologize because you don’t want to be wrong or feel shame - remember the question isn’t about if you’re right or wrong in that moment. It’s about if the RELATIONSHIP is important.

To those whom it wasn’t important to for me - have a nice life. I have a feeling it will be a rough one - filled with pain, but I wish you well…and…

I forgive you.

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Men don’t think about it. Women don’t realize it, but the women dancing and serving drinks and distraction in strip clubs in America are very often single mothers, merely working to provide a living for their children. They’re not there for the party. They’re there to make the most money they can without skills, a degree or opportunity.

Emily Fitzpatrick realizes this and does more than just “pray for them.” She adds action to her prayers with a weekend long “Mothers Day Outreach to Strip Clubs” in North and South Carolina. She has the woman power and volunteers, but needs items for gift bags.

Emily and her volunteers go into the clubs - not to preach, but to celebrate being mothers - reaching out to tell these women they are loved, they are brave, they are more than strippers, they are mothers too. Emily recently left the Billy Graham ministry where she worked, to pursue her own dream - to stop the sex trafficking trade around the world and in Asheville. She started “On Eagle’s Wings Ministries” and in the past year or so has done incredible things - raising money to buy land and a house where women and children she has helped rescue from the sex trade industry can heal, develop new skills and integrate back into society. It hasn’t been easy. She comes from a background of drug and alcohol abuse herself - and is an inspiring figure for how God really can and does change lives.

She has partnered with:

Diana Gillispie
Asheville Tileworks

Mountain Spirit Cards & Gifts
118 Cherry St
Black Mountain, NC
828-664-9754

Inspired Productions, Inc.
Inspired Productions

and other individuals to provide items for these women and others. But she still needs:

Bath and Body products
Candles
Make-up samples
Devotionals
Small Bibles
Bookmarks
Christian Music Cd’s
Small gift items

Her outreach has been a great witness to these ladies, who say they can not believe someone would do something so nice for them. It’s an act of kindness and plants a seed that God loves them and there are people who want to help them. If you can’t send money - call Mountain Spirits and buy a gift card in her name to use as she needs. $5 may buy inspiration for a single mother working to provide for her children.

If you or your church can help, please contact Emily Fitchpatrick at emilyfitchpatrick@yahoo.com as soon as possible. Thanks!

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On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog” is an adage which began as the caption of a Peter Steiner cartoon published by ”The New Yorker” on July 4, 1993. Since then the cartoon has taken on a life of its own - like the “smiley face” in a way.  The cartoon shows two dogs: One sitting on a chair in front of a computer, speaking the caption to a second dog sitting on the floor. As of 2000 it was the most published cartoon ever from The New Yorker. No, I don’t have the headline to my post wrong.

"On the internet no one knows you're a dog."

What’s funny about Peter’s cartoon - on several levels, is how people can BE anyone they want to be, and many a tech savvy teenager has passed for an adult in venues where they’d never gain entrance in person. Yet the reverse is true as well - if your tech skills, your writing, your keyboard and dissociative social skills aren’t up to par people may indeed MISTAKE YOU FOR A DOG!

So while men can pretend to be women, and women can pretend to be girls and everyone can pretend to be pretty much anyone  and no one much notices - I noticed something. People don’t notice that some of those folks they’re meeting are disabled and may be mistaken for “dogs.” (in the slang term meaning “not pretty or desirable,”)

I don’t mean disabled as in a wheelchair, although they may be. I mean many of the folks I interact with have mental disabilities, depression, cancer, age issues diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome and a variety of illnesses that should become invisible on the internet - but don’t. Because while hiding your looks, or your status, or your accent or gender online is fairly simple, hiding your disability, your lack of skills, your age or other challenges is often not so easy.

From the speed of typing, to the age or other challenges, disabilities are often hard to hide. I teach basic computer skills at a local college (volunteer) a couple of times a month. Those attending are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. They are determined to learn to get online. Most are men. Unlike their sons or grandsons who can type 100 words per minute with their thumbs, they never learned to type. So they hunt and peck. As a result, their blog posts and their infrequent emails tend to be rather short. More time is spent hunting for the keys than thinking about what and how they want to say what they have to say.

As a result their communications are terse, and not the sort of compelling prose they speak in person. On the internet, no one knows what kind, gentle, generous souls they are. On the internet, no one hears their laughter, or their jokes or sees their smiles. I have learned to encourage them to be upfront with their shortcomings - to make a joke - so they let those reading their posts understand their limitations.

“In real life I’m a real chatter-box. But I don’t type as fast as I talk,” I urge them to tell folks when they first come online. Maybe I’m helping, maybe I’m doing them a disservice. I just know when I talk to someone and they sound a little odd, hearing, “I’m sorry, I had chemo today,” or “I’m sorry, I have some medical issues and today is not a good day,” make all the difference in the world to me. I should be patient because I have my days too - with my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia flare-ups there are times I can’t remember what I wanted to say, or I sound out of it myself!

“I’m okay!!” I want to shout

“I just didn’t get the 30-hours sleep I needed last night!”

This has been one of those weeks for me. I worry that I haven’t posted every day, or that I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake. Then this afternoon a friend recovering from another round of chemo wrote to apologize for not answering an email I sent a few days ago.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof all week has just been so much more relaxing than answering email.”

I know exactly what she meant.

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When I first saw him, he was frantic, trying to escape. I saw him, but couldn’t help him. The row of netting in the vineyard was 12 feet high, secured with stakes and stretched for hundreds of feet in both directions. By the time I lifted a section of net he had flown past me. I quickly grew exhausted trying to help him.

When approached, this bird - and others like him, would fly for 20-30 yards in the open stretches atop the grapes before crashing down into the foliage. Back and forth, up and down. It was like they didn’t want to be saved and saw any attempt on my part to help, as a threat to their perceived situation - as bad as it was.

It was heartbreaking to watch. But I finally realized I couldn’t “save” him until he calmed down and lit in one place and trusted me. Finally, exhausted from his effort to find his own way out, he rested, hanging on the netting, angrily and suspiciously watching me. I took several photos of him while I waited. Then, convinced he wouldn’t fly off again, I slowly and calmly reached out and lifted a couple of feet of netting just down from where he was resting. He looked at me, then at the netting and something seemed to click. In an instant he dove down towards the ground and then swooped up - only inches from my feet, and up into freedom.

It occurred to me today that helping friends, or anyone for that matter, involves pretty much the same process. we have to wait until they stop thrashing and fearing and racing and flying around expending precious energy. All we can do is wait. While this bird “got it” pretty quickly - an hour later there were still others frantically darting from one end of the vineyard to the other, that I couldn’t help.

I’ve been this bird, or known people like him, most of my life. Flying, searching, frantic, scared, wondering how I got into a mess when all I was doing was what came naturally to me (trying to survive). Just as the bird didn’t understand the purpose of the netting or the boundaries the vineyard owner was setting out, I didn’t understand the purpose of boundaries around me - social, financial, societal. None of us raised in dysfunctional families ever seem to understand the most basic, but subtle rules of life. So we spend most of our time doing what this bird did - trying to survive (eat the grapes) but crashing into nets (boundaries) others have erected.

Some of us quickly recognize the netting has a purpose. We eventually learn to respect boundaries and rules and societal standards pretty fast. Others take a little more time to figure it out. And some of us, as the bodies of the dead birds I saw inside the netting - often only inches or feet away from freedom, never “get it.” We thrash and struggle against all boundaries until it kills us - one way or another.

As hard as it is to watch, and harder still to realize, the only birds we can save are the ones who are willing to work with us. If we chase the birds who are determined to escape us - we leave dozens more sitting in the netting waiting for a hand to simply open the door to freedom. If we are the birds - racing frantically to escape our own netting - job, finances or whatever, maybe it’s time to settle, to wrap our fingers into the net and look out and see who’s there wanting to help us get out of the situation we’re in.

By birds trapped in the netting, or people struggling to escape I don’t mean just the dysfunctional either. I mean a spouse who hates their job, a child being bullied at school, a boss who insists on terrorizing his employees or a client who can’t realize the value of having a webpage, let alone using twitter or social media or the internet to drive their business. Maybe you’re thrashing against an invisible net in a relationship or job. Stop. Hang there for awhile and watch. There are people who will help you if you give them a chance. And once you’re outside, looking in - do the same. We’re all in this together. The only thing that changes is sometimes we’re on the inside of the net, sometimes we’re on the outside.

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Google procrastination and you’ll get millions of articles, tips and suggestions on how to overcome it. Why millions? Because none of them work, so people keep posting new thoughts, new tips or rehashing and mashing old ones. Seriously. The tips don’t work. Not really. Because procrastination isn’t a disease or a bad habit. It’s a state of mind. It goes deeper than, “I just don’t feel like doing this right now.”

No. Procrastination has its roots in our childhood, in our fears, in every bad feeling and worry we ever harbored. Procrastination is the “what if?” poster child of failure.

So don’t bother looking for tips on getting past it, or in not doing it. Sure, some of them may work, but most of them won’t, or they’ll work short-term, or sometimes.

Really? Really. The people I’ve talked who NEVER procrastinate come in two flavors - obsessive compulsive with a true chemical or personality trait that won’t allow them to procrastinate - ie, it is as emotionally and mentally painful for them to put something off as it is for the rest of us to start something. Or two, success and failure have never been a nightmare for them. They’ve either never felt humiliated, always or almost always felt supported and loved and are secure in who they are as people, or they’ve learned to feel that way.

Human beings are motivated - as are most creatures, by pain or pleasure. Those are the only two variables you have to manipulate to create change or movement. So if you’re trying to overcome procrastination - the solution is simple. Make the outcome or “payoff” outweigh the pain of why you procrastinate in the first place …I mean TRULY outweigh the pain and your problem is solved.

I’m not being flippant. I’m actually advising you to simply love yourself more and pursue self-growth. The procrastination is simply a symptom of what’s happening inside us. It is not us, and it is not something to be “cured.” It is something to simply pay attention to.

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I knew they were good friends by the way they argued. With her frail arms waving, gesturing and pointing at the produce as excitedly as they were, and him just nodding and examining the produce, they had to have known each other forever. Indeed, they had, she said laughing, an avocado in one hand and a plastic bag in the other.

“Since high school, what? 60 years ago?” she asked him.

He nodded, a smile on his face as he watched her. He loved to hear her laugh. I could tell by the tear in his eyes. I pointed that out and he shook his head.

“It’s the onions,” he jibed - poking his partner gently in her side with an arthritic finger. She clutched his arm and stared into his eyes, hers watering too.

“I know,” she said softly.

“They got me too.”

They stood like that for several minutes, looking at each other until he reached out with one hand and pulled her close, her gray hair crushed against his wool coat as he kissed the top of her head.

“We’ll get them both,” he said, picking up two different types of avacodo.

They turned back around to me.

“We’ll get out of your way now,” they said, both reaching for their shopping cart.

“No, no, you’re not in the way,” I said.

“But tell me, what was the um….discussion about?”

They laughed again, he coughing, her wiping her eyes.

“I like the small black avocados, he likes the big green California ones,” she said.

“Differences keep things spicy,” she winked.

As they shuffled off  to the fresh fruit and I grabbed my own avocado, I thought about that, about how often I let my own preferences remain unspoken - afraid to speak out, or reluctant to - in order to keep the peace. Once I got home I had an email from a friend. She liked the short story I’d written, but asked if the character wasn’t a little too cold and distant.

“It makes me not want to like him much,” she said. I thought about the couple I’d just seen and wrote her back.

“He’s supposed to be a little unlikable,” I explained. “He gets redeemed in the end and has to have someone to grow into. And besides,” I paused.

“Differences keep things a little spicy.”

What has this story got to do with grit and determination? More than you think. It’s the differences in our lives, the small debates, the push and pull, the expression and testing of ideas and desires, of preferences and possibilities that keeps our dreams alive, that keep us engaged. The differences are the spices - not the dampers. So enjoy the diversity, the differences, the things that both separate and bring us together. And don’t be afraid to speak up for what you want. Those who love you will understand and accept it. Those who don’t? Don’t matter.

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“No one lives long enough to learn everything they need to learn starting from scratch. To be successful, we absolutely, positively have to find people who have already paid the price to learn the things that we need to learn to achieve our goals.”

-Brian Tracy

I had lunch with Ed Brenegar yesterday. It was the first time I’ve ever met him in person. We met online over the Johnny Bunko competition, and I had invited him to join Triiibes.com. We’d spoken over the phone and emailed a lot, but hadn’t met. So, for more than four hours Ed and I and another business acquanitance met and talked about leadership, ideas and community. Then over coffee afterwards, Ed and I talked about our books and the thoughts and motivations behind them. The day pounded home for me, the foundation of both of our ideas - “Say Thank You Every Day,” and “Stay Hungry.”

It was amazing. The future just got better for us both, and more importantly, for all those who know us. Why?

Because collaboration spreads ideas.

A little background. Best selling author Daniel Pink wrote a business book entitled, “Johnny Bunko,” a great story about the six career lessons a fictional character called Johnny Bunko learns through a strange set of magical chopsticks and told in manga (comic book) fashion. Pink didn’t actually “end” the book, but left it open enough that readers got the idea more books would follow. Sure enough - others are in the works.

But Pink wanted reader’s input - so he asked fans to submit their ideas for the “seventh lesson.”  Of the hundreds who submitted ideas, Ed’s and mine were two of the three finalists chosen. Pink posted the finalists on his website and Johnny Bunko fans were asked to vote on their favorite “lesson.” The winner, ie. the one with the most votes, would win an all-expense paid trip to Oxford, England for the 2009 Global TED conference. Shortly after voting began I Googled Ed’s name to find out if he had a blog, and to learn more about his idea. When I found and read his blog I was so taken with his ideas I invited him to join Triiibes.com - a social network I belong to. He did.

Ed stayed ahead in the voting for weeks. He had a great lesson and I had asked my readers and friends not to vote for me, but to vote for the “best idea.” I didn’t want this to simply be a popularity contest, but a way to ensure the “best idea/lesson” truly won. For weeks, “Say Thank You Every Day,” was the winning idea. I assumed it meant the best idea was winning. But two weeks before the contest ended, I got serious about asking more people to vote, and eventually I began to pull ahead. For the last week of the competition Ed and I were neck and neck in the voting.

Then the next to last day of the contest,  Seth Godin stepped in from out of the blue and asked his readers to vote for me and for “Staying Hungry.” Within hours the vote went from 40 and 41% to my lead of 72%.  And I won.

What made the experience remarkable, and not just another competition, was that Ed and I reached out and connected over ideas. He joined my tribe and we became members on the same team. What was supposed to be a “competition,” became a collaboration. The ideas each of us had outside the competition were bigger than simply the Johnny Bunko lessons.  The people who followed each of us, who supported and encouaged and voted for each of us, those who helped me create a comic book for the competition, they all became swept up to some degree or another - in both the contest and in Ed and mine’s connection. It really made me realize, that from Triiibes, Ed, voters, Seth - none of it would have happened for me without the involvement of other people.

No man, or woman, is an island. No one is truly “self-made.” We all have help - maybe not from parents, or family, but certainly from people - great, small, known or unknown. We all arrive on the backs of those who have gone before us. We all have help.

When we reach out - and connect, like Ed and I did with each other, like members of Triiibes who voted, like Seth - we all benefit from the connection. If you’re simply saying, “How did I benefit?” from a connection you’ve made, and you’re not seeing it, then maybe you should be asking, “How did WE benefit?” The answers will be quite different and much more compelling. Connecting with others begins a journey. Begin yours today. Reach out and connect with a stranger. Introduce yourself to someone at work, or a conference. Join a social network and get involved. I guarantee - get involved with life and people and they will get involved with you.

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When it rains, it pours. Feast or famine. Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug. Some days you’re the squirrel, some days you’re the truck. There are dozens of different ways to say “Some times life just sucks, some times it doesn’t.” On days when the utility company is due to shut you off, the rent is past due, the car has broken down or whatever  - it just doesn’t seem like anything is ever going to go right again. But it will. Give it a chance.

Take a few minutes, heck, take an hour or the afternoon and just get away from it all if you can. Walk. Eat. Take a nap. Call or visit a friend. Whatever it takes - just remove yourself from the situation and stop panicking. When you feel a little bit calmer, get a pad of paper and a pen. Write down all the names of friends or people you can ask for help - NOT help in paying the bills, or in towing the car - but friends who are thinking clearly, who aren’t emotionally entangled in your crisis. Friends who can simply look at the situation and help you break it down into a step-by-step list of what you need to do first, what you need to do second and what can wait.

One you have your list and your priorities straight, tackle the list one item at a time. THEN you can start thinking about who might help - who could take you to the store, jump your dead battery, loan you $50, or whatever it is you need done. But the secret to dealing with the storms in life is breaking it down into bite-sized pieces, not trying to absorb or deal with it all at once.

So:

• Get away for an hour, or 30 minutes or ten minutes - or half-a-day to calm down
• Eat. Sleep. Walk. Watch TV. Just distract yourself
• Once you’ve calmed down a bit, grab a pen and paper
• Write down everything that’s “Hit the fan,” so to speak - ie. “Bills, utility shut-off notice, car won’t start, phone shut down, kids sick, laid-off from work, checks bounced,”  - don’t think about them, just write them down
• Write down the names of all the people you could call who are smart enough, kind enough and helpful enough to help you troubleshoot this situation and help you decide how to prioritize things without lecturing you
• Call the first name on your list, explain you need help prioritizing your crisis list
• If that friend can’t help, call another and write down everything they offer, do this until you feel like you have enough options to start tackling the problems
• Start working on the first solution on your list. Finish it or do as much as you can, then go to the next item. Work your way down your list. It may take minutes, hours, days or weeks. But do it.
• Look at your list one last time before you go to bed, then forget it. It will still be there in the morning. Don’t lie awake thinking or worrying about it. You need your sleep. Your subconcious will work it out.
• Wake up, study your list, repeat - working through one thing at a time

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