Staying Hungry

Katie Yeakle, the Executive Director of AWAI, a copy writing organization, emailed members to tell us that:

“Bob Bly is celebrating the official launch of his new book, The Words You Should Know to Sound Smart: 1,200 Essential Words Every Sophisticated Person Should Be Able to Use…

The book is an entertaining guide to words that are fun to drop into your conversations … whether you’re at a cocktail party or not! I highly recommend you check it out.

You’ll get the spelling, pronunciation, a definition and – most importantly – usage of the word in a sentence, so you can get a real feel for the power of each word. Words like:

* disestablishmentarianism
* descant
* autodidactic
* genteel
* soliloquy
* and many, many more.”

I had to think for a moment. I can’t ever remember hearing those words in a conversation. Well maybe I’m not traveling in the right circles you say. Well, in the past 22 years I’ve interviewed U.S. Presidents, Congressmen, Rock Stars, Country Music Stars, Engineers, Doctors, Scientists and all manner of educated and uneducated people alike - and the only words I’ve heard were “genteel and solioquy.” I know. Because when I hear a word I don’t know, I stop the person and ask them what it means so I’ll anchor it in my mind with a sentence and context. I don’t mind appearing ignorant or uneducated. It enables the speaker to share their knowledge and teach me - raising their status, making them sound smart.

So when I got this email today I was a little taken aback. Are there 1,198 words out there I don’t know, or use? As a writer are these words I might use in a story? Or will they serve me better while playing a game of “Balderdash?” ( My favorite game in the entire world by the way).

Does it really matter if I “sound smart?” Will people think less of me if I just sound authentic? Or honest? or optimistic? Should I worry about sounding smart? I don’t think so. I certainly don’t care if I sound smart - in the sense that I know a lot of $20 words. I do worry that people might not think I sound caring. Or that I might not sound smart as in knowing what to do, or to say when a friend’s husband dies unexpectedly or their child is born with a birth defect, or they are diagnosed with cancer. That kind of smart - I want to know how to be. I want to sound smart in that I know how to talk to a mechanic without getting ripped off, or know how to politely decline an invitation or a poorly cooked casserole without hurting the invitee’s feelings. That’s the kind of smarts I want to sound like I have.

I want to sound smart enough to know that people come first, God is real, faith and hope are sometimes all people have and that you never squirt charcoal lighter fluid on a burning fire because one day it will flash back and burn you. I want to sound smart about knowing how to jump start a car without destroying the car battery, or how to change a tire. I want to sound smart about how to hold a widow sobbing with grief, a teenager devastated over the breakup with their first love, and how to hug the family members at a funeral so they really get it about how much I care and how sorry I am. That’s the kind of smart I want to be.

No slam on Bob or Katie. It just struck me as odd about how so many things appeal to our vanity of self and the needs we have to sound smart rather than be smart. Here’s hoping YOU feel smart today - in whatever way makes you happy.

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A friend of mine is mad at a family member of hers. She has been for 10 years. He embarrassed her at a family function and she’s never forgiven  him, and doesn’t plan to until he apologizes. I told her today that some people won’t ever apologize, some people aren’t capable of apologizing, and some people’s apologies aren’t even apologies and worthless and meaningless anyway.

After being blindsided by someone on a social media site I belong to I wanted an apology. I’m not going to get it, but yesterday I realized it didn’t matter - for all the reasons above. It must be God’s way of confirming what I figured out yesterday to get to explain it to someone else today.

The ONLY reason for an apology is to “clear the decks” so the relationship can get back on track. That’s it. Period. Forgiveness of someone is so WE can get past an incident, drop the baggage and move on with our lives. Forgiveness doesn’t need anybody but us. An apology involves TWO people. Why? Because apologies are for when you WANT to preserve or work on the relationship. If you don’t care - or the relationship is toast anyway - an apology doesn’t matter. One or both people are saying, “I’m not happy, it hurt, but I’m willing to work on what we have and get past it.”

If they’re not willing to apologize - they’re not interested in you or the relationship. So bail out, forgive them (that’s another post) and get on with your life.

I realized after repeated public postings and making myself vulnerable, expressing my hurt etc. that there was never going to be an apology from this person. NOT only is she incapable of an apology, she has no desire to pursue the friendship and an apology at this point would be superficial and meaningless. Why? Because now, after all that - I no longer have any desire for the connection.

I explained this to my friend and she’s thinking about it. She’s not ready to write him off. She still wants the apology. But this time she’s trying a different tack - she’s being honest about how it made her feel, how it hurt her, how he’s someone she wants to be friends with. Knowing them both - I’m pretty sure he’ll apologize - even if he doesn’t even remember what he did or said. He’ll do it because he values the relationship more than being right, or being funny at her expense.

So next time YOU’RE wanting an apology or reluctant to apologize because you don’t want to be wrong or feel shame - remember the question isn’t about if you’re right or wrong in that moment. It’s about if the RELATIONSHIP is important.

To those whom it wasn’t important to for me - have a nice life. I have a feeling it will be a rough one - filled with pain, but I wish you well…and…

I forgive you.

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On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog” is an adage which began as the caption of a Peter Steiner cartoon published by ”The New Yorker” on July 4, 1993. Since then the cartoon has taken on a life of its own - like the “smiley face” in a way.  The cartoon shows two dogs: One sitting on a chair in front of a computer, speaking the caption to a second dog sitting on the floor. As of 2000 it was the most published cartoon ever from The New Yorker. No, I don’t have the headline to my post wrong.

What’s funny about Peter’s cartoon - on several levels, is how people can BE anyone they want to be, and many a tech savvy teenager has passed for an adult in venues where they’d never gain entrance in person. Yet the reverse is true as well - if your tech skills, your writing, your keyboard and dissociative social skills aren’t up to par people may indeed MISTAKE YOU FOR A DOG!

So while men can pretend to be women, and women can pretend to be girls and everyone can pretend to be pretty much anyone  and no one much notices - I noticed something. People don’t notice that some of those folks they’re meeting are disabled and may be mistaken for “dogs.” (in the slang term meaning “not pretty or desirable,”)

I don’t mean disabled as in a wheelchair, although they may be. I mean many of the folks I interact with have mental disabilities, depression, cancer, age issues diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome and a variety of illnesses that should become invisible on the internet - but don’t. Because while hiding your looks, or your status, or your accent or gender online is fairly simple, hiding your disability, your lack of skills, your age or other challenges is often not so easy.

From the speed of typing, to the age or other challenges, disabilities are often hard to hide. I teach basic computer skills at a local college (volunteer) a couple of times a month. Those attending are in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. They are determined to learn to get online. Most are men. Unlike their sons or grandsons who can type 100 words per minute with their thumbs, they never learned to type. So they hunt and peck. As a result, their blog posts and their infrequent emails tend to be rather short. More time is spent hunting for the keys than thinking about what and how they want to say what they have to say.

As a result their communications are terse, and not the sort of compelling prose they speak in person. On the internet, no one knows what kind, gentle, generous souls they are. On the internet, no one hears their laughter, or their jokes or sees their smiles. I have learned to encourage them to be upfront with their shortcomings - to make a joke - so they let those reading their posts understand their limitations.

“In real life I’m a real chatter-box. But I don’t type as fast as I talk,” I urge them to tell folks when they first come online. Maybe I’m helping, maybe I’m doing them a disservice. I just know when I talk to someone and they sound a little odd, hearing, “I’m sorry, I had chemo today,” or “I’m sorry, I have some medical issues and today is not a good day,” make all the difference in the world to me. I should be patient because I have my days too - with my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia flare-ups there are times I can’t remember what I wanted to say, or I sound out of it myself!

“I’m okay!!” I want to shout

“I just didn’t get the 30-hours sleep I needed last night!”

This has been one of those weeks for me. I worry that I haven’t posted every day, or that I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake. Then this afternoon a friend recovering from another round of chemo wrote to apologize for not answering an email I sent a few days ago.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof all week has just been so much more relaxing than answering email.”

I know exactly what she meant.

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The tattoo on Keenan’s arm reads, “Straight Edge.” It means, he has taken a vow not to drink, smoke or have sex - it’s not a religious decision, but a lifestyle. And although he’s standing in front of a church - some of the churches in Louisville, KY are willing to host band nights since there is no drinking, smoking or fighting, “Straight Edge” isn’t a religious movement at all.

“It’s not about God or anything, not for me anyway,” he says. It’s just because it’s the “right thing” to do. There are half a dozen young men around him, all of them play in heavy metal bands. All of them with tattoos - either a “XXX” across their chest, or other patterns - all of them vowing, to do the right thing.

When’s the last time you believed in something so strongly you were literally willing to tattoo it permanently on your body?

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