Staying Hungry

Katie Yeakle, the Executive Director of AWAI, a copy writing organization, emailed members to tell us that:

“Bob Bly is celebrating the official launch of his new book, The Words You Should Know to Sound Smart: 1,200 Essential Words Every Sophisticated Person Should Be Able to Use…

The book is an entertaining guide to words that are fun to drop into your conversations … whether you’re at a cocktail party or not! I highly recommend you check it out.

You’ll get the spelling, pronunciation, a definition and – most importantly – usage of the word in a sentence, so you can get a real feel for the power of each word. Words like:

* disestablishmentarianism
* descant
* autodidactic
* genteel
* soliloquy
* and many, many more.”

I had to think for a moment. I can’t ever remember hearing those words in a conversation. Well maybe I’m not traveling in the right circles you say. Well, in the past 22 years I’ve interviewed U.S. Presidents, Congressmen, Rock Stars, Country Music Stars, Engineers, Doctors, Scientists and all manner of educated and uneducated people alike - and the only words I’ve heard were “genteel and solioquy.” I know. Because when I hear a word I don’t know, I stop the person and ask them what it means so I’ll anchor it in my mind with a sentence and context. I don’t mind appearing ignorant or uneducated. It enables the speaker to share their knowledge and teach me - raising their status, making them sound smart.

So when I got this email today I was a little taken aback. Are there 1,198 words out there I don’t know, or use? As a writer are these words I might use in a story? Or will they serve me better while playing a game of “Balderdash?” ( My favorite game in the entire world by the way).

Does it really matter if I “sound smart?” Will people think less of me if I just sound authentic? Or honest? or optimistic? Should I worry about sounding smart? I don’t think so. I certainly don’t care if I sound smart - in the sense that I know a lot of $20 words. I do worry that people might not think I sound caring. Or that I might not sound smart as in knowing what to do, or to say when a friend’s husband dies unexpectedly or their child is born with a birth defect, or they are diagnosed with cancer. That kind of smart - I want to know how to be. I want to sound smart in that I know how to talk to a mechanic without getting ripped off, or know how to politely decline an invitation or a poorly cooked casserole without hurting the invitee’s feelings. That’s the kind of smarts I want to sound like I have.

I want to sound smart enough to know that people come first, God is real, faith and hope are sometimes all people have and that you never squirt charcoal lighter fluid on a burning fire because one day it will flash back and burn you. I want to sound smart about knowing how to jump start a car without destroying the car battery, or how to change a tire. I want to sound smart about how to hold a widow sobbing with grief, a teenager devastated over the breakup with their first love, and how to hug the family members at a funeral so they really get it about how much I care and how sorry I am. That’s the kind of smart I want to be.

No slam on Bob or Katie. It just struck me as odd about how so many things appeal to our vanity of self and the needs we have to sound smart rather than be smart. Here’s hoping YOU feel smart today - in whatever way makes you happy.

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Okay - 6.77 BILLION people in the world and as of yesterday the World Health Organization reported only 79 confirmed cases of Swine Flu world-wide. Does that REALLY make it a pandemic? I’m seeing people predicting this is the end of the world. It’s not folks.

Who benefits from a panic and the sale of Tamiflu - which doesn’t cure or prevent the flu, but ONLY lessens the severity of the symptoms…why, Bush, Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld of course!

According to CNNMoney, Rumsfeld is a million dollars richer because of the flu panic - and THAT figure comes from a flu story in 2005!!! Imagine what the current panic is doing for sales!

8,000 people have died in Mexico as a result of gang violence and drug wars in the past few months. Only 16 CONFIRMED cases of death from swine flu - and of the 150 deaths SAID to be from swine flu in Mexico - lab reports confirm only 20. Wait. One source says 16. One says 20 CONFIRMED swine flu deaths…but the media gets all hysterical and says 150-152?? What? What’s wrong with that picture?

Congressman and Physician Ron Paul dealt with this panic in 1976 and said the same thing then that he’s saying now. It’s NOT a big deal.

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After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

I laughed. So did you I’m sure. But this email from a friend was part of a discussion I’ve been having with people about how our thoughts, how our outer reality is just a reflection of what’s happening inside us. Psychologists call it “projection.” Are you calling someone annoying? What is it that makes it annoying really? Is it something that you do yourself?

Byron Katie speaks to this topic in “The work.”

And while this may all seem like it has nothing to do with triiibes or tribes, it has everything to do with triiibes. Because the stories we tell about others may really be the stories we’re telling about ourselves. I don’t believe in the absolute mirror theory, but I do believe that our THOUGHTS about things rather than the FACTS about them, impact our business, our clients, our communication.

How?

Well, in the past week three new clients have come to me with new business and I’ve turned them down - even though I could really use the work right now. Why did I turn them down? One refused to pay my rate, even though he could afford it - but his last web designer “ripped him off,” and never finished the website and charged him $2,000 and he got screwed. I told him I was sorry that happened, but that I was not that designer. I offered to break down the work in segments and get paid only after he was satisfied at each stage. His solution was to pay me $300 for a $2,000 website. I declined. He was angry at his last designer and I knew I would end up taking the brunt of his anger and that didn’t work for me. He didn’t respect me or even want to give me a chance at proving that not all designers were rip-offs.

Another would-be client wanted a brochure. Simple enough. But his competition made fun of his last design, so he wanted me to figure out a way to create a design THEY would respect. Huh? Think of the Microsoft/Apple pissing contests. Same thing. I don’t want to be designing for a company that would NEVER admit the design was cool even if they thought so. We had “the talk” about being his own man and setting the standard, not following someone else. He wanted to pay for ONE FINAL design, but not all it would take to get there. I turned him down too.

A fairly well-known copy-writer came to me and asked me to write an ebook for them and then “split the profit.” I’d do 80% of the work - they’d handle all the money, create the landing page, and then eventually sell the site and take 2/3’s of the sale. For an “up-and-coming” writer like me - they said, “It’s a great deal.” No it wasn’t. We’re not talking thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars here. He was talking hundreds….as in, less than $1,000. I didn’t laugh in his face, but wish I had. In the past he’s offered me $5 per hour to rewrite his articles. No respect there for me.

My initial thoughts were: What is wrong with ME that I attract these people? Then I wondered if the “mirror” was about me not respecting myself enough and attracting people who didn’t respect me, and on and on and on!! The friend who sent me the hill-billy story said, “You’re not the problem - it’s the STORY you’re telling yourself about what YOU see in the mirror that’s the problem.”

So - the moral of the story - stop trying to figure out what the mirror is “saying” and start looking at the story YOU’RE telling about what you see IN the mirror. It’s the STORY you tell about what you see that matters most….THAT will determine your feelings, and from your feelings will come your actions. Look closely. What do you see?

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I suppose one of the most aggravating things about blogs is they change their appearance. You get used to a certain look and then the writer goes and changes it all. Usually - without telling anyone they’re going to! You show up one day and POOF! Wha???? You have to double check to see if you’re at the same blog! Well, I’m letting you all know right up front - I’m starting a redesign that will allow me to make it easier to sign up for my newsletter and free ebooks and a place I can showcase more photos. I appreciate your support and I understand if you’ll miss the orange. I love the orange, but I’m learning to use Wordpress and do simple CSS and I think you’ll like the new themes I’m working on. Thanks much!

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Some of us learn to say “no,” at an early age. We learn to say it gently, firmly, angrily, assertively and when it’s right to use each tone of voice. Others of us, most of us as a matter of fact, grow up co-dependent, afraid to say “no,” even when it’s obviously, overwhelmingly in our best interest to do so.

After years of believing I had learned to say “No,” I learned this week that I didn’t really. And with each reluctant, “Okay, or “Yes,” I uttered - I became more and more depressed. I said “Yes,” believing I was saying it to help, when I was really saying it to please. Then a client referred me to Byron Katie, and the light bulb went on!! I listened to a wonderful podcast - an interview with her by the “Get it Done Guy,” Stever Robbins.

One of the points she makes that I like SO well is that when you say “No,” out of integrity, you say “Yes,” to yourself and “Yes,” to better possibilities for the person you’re dealing with. Go to her blog to hear the podcast - a valuable 27 minutes of your time and well worth the listen.

Of all the speakers and articles I’ve heard or read, she really hit the mark for me with the simplicity and graciousness with how she says no. I would feel her love and concern for me even through the disappointment of a no from her!

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“Wow. It’s just like leather,” my friend said.
“Um. No. It LOOKS like leather, but it’s not,” I said. “I need leather.”
Thus ensued a debate over the strength and properties of real leather versus a man-made fabric that “looked like” leather. I was willing to pay the extra few dollars for a backpack with a “real leather” bottom because I needed the scuff factor and the durability, plus the waterproof possibilities once I treated it. And I like the look of real leather. It ages well and every cut and nick and stain tells a story.

I thought about that all night. Dreamed about it really. And woke up wondering why we are all so impressed with things that “look like” the real deal, but aren’t. A friend of mine built a “kit car” in college. That’s a car that looks like the real car, but isn’t. I have bookshelves that are made of particleboard, but “look like” real wood because of a real wood veneer.

Carry the examples far enough and you have Politicians who “look like” real average joes - if average joes had $20 million in the bank. Watch the national news during a tornado or flood and the newscasters all “look like” they’re out there in the elements suffering just like the folks they’re covering - they get to crawl back into luxury RVs or go back to a hotel room - not huddle in their darkened, flooded home….but to look at them you’d think they “looked like” they were suffering too.

What is the fascination with “looks like” for us? When did we insist on the real deal, authentic - in our food and relationships, but settle for “looks like” in everything else?

For most of us the issue is purely financial. If I hadn’t needed the leather bottom for real hiking and backpacking and was only going to use the bag as a purse or overnight bag, I might have settled for the “looks like” leather to save $20 bucks. I don’t need solid wood bookshelves because I rent my apartment and plan to sell them when I move. I don’t want to invest in solid wood until I have my own place. Then I want the real deal.

I also want the real deal when it comes to relationships. I want friends who are honest with me, who are real with me, who trust me enough to know that they can be themselves. If they’re tired, they say they’re tired. If they’re busy, they say they’re busy. If they simply don’t feel like talking or going out to dinner they say so - no excuses needed. I’m happy to say I’m lucky there. Are you? And are you BEING the real deal when it comes to relationships? Are you comfortable being honest? If not - why not?

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Our lives are the product of a million influences, nudges, comments and knowledge of whose origins we know nothing about. And while the actions or inaction’s of others are impacting us every day, so our actions and inaction’s are impacting others as well.

The phenomena is called “The Butterfly Effect” - a belief that the air stirred by a single butterfly’s wings flapping eventually creates a typhoon that hits land on the other side of the world. It’s a principle that viral marketing - or all successful marketing is built upon - one small thing leading to another, and another.

A snowflake by itself weighs nothing. Put it with a ka-trillion others and it will collapse oak trees, roofs and any structure known to man by its sheer weight.

Most of us know who Rosa Parks is and how her refusing to move to the back of the bus sparked the Civil Rights movement, but how many of us know that she was not the first African American to refuse to move to the back of the bus? Ten years before Rosa Parks took a stand, baseball legend Jackie Robinson was court-martialed (and acquitted) for not moving to the back of the bus. Robinson, a second lieutenant at the time, was on trial not because he had violated any articles of war, his attorney told the board, but because a few officers “were working vengeance against an uppity black man.”

All charges were dismissed, and several months later, Robinson received an honorable discharge from the Army. But the butterfly’s wings had flapped and ten years later the winds of a typhoon called the Civil Rights movement began to stir. “A life is not important,” Robinson said, “except in the impact it has on other lives.”

How true. Some of us can identify the butterflies who stirred the wind that moves beneath our wings. Others only know they’ve felt the breeze and puzzled over the events in their lives that seemed to be a “stroke of luck or fortune.”

And while we all have been touched by the butterfly effect - sometimes we forget that all we do creates our own breeze, or typhoon. It doesn’t take much. A careless remark, a timely compliment, a smile, a welcome, an insight, an email or an invite for a cup of coffee. There are many ways to stir the winds of change. A person you introduce to someone today may change their life tomorrow.

I read a story recently about a man whose teacher ridiculed him for his lifelong desire to be a firefighter. The teacher thought it was stupid and ridiculous to follow such a dream when there was college and a world of other opportunities to pursue. So the man went to college and hated the life others expected him to live. Eventually he gave it all up and went back to his real love - firefighting. Hr became a firefighter and loved it. Then - amazingly enough - he recently one day to a crash site and extricated his old teacher and his teacher’s wife, and performed CPR on him, saving his life. And now he has the story to tell, and does, and it changes lives. People hear it and follow their heart. All because a teacher ridiculed a job choice so many years ago.

How will you change the world today?

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People do their best when they’re following their passion. And Ken Robinson explains why. We all “know” this - that we’re happiest when we’re doing what we love. But do you understand it really? Watch this and see if you do.

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Transformation

There are four, no five seedlings that have actually sprung up from the watermelon seeds I planted last week. Pale green, they languished in a tiny yellow pot in my bathroom - the only light from the tiny window above the tub, until I actually noticed they were growing! So I moved them to the living room, where there is usually more light. But the day I moved them, it rained. And it rained the next day and the next. But they kept growing anyway - with only a little more light than they had in the dark bathroom.

Which makes me think - maybe we don’t need the best conditions either. Maybe we do just as well when we use what we have and wait for better days.

Patty Newbold, one of my wisest of wise friends, and I talked about this concept today - that people and things learn to cope in spite of less than ideal circumstances and actually do better when they learn and train that way.

She pointed out that there are some studies and evidence that maybe depressed people and psychologists are doing it all wrong. They’re waiting until someone is no longer depressed to teach them how to deal with life. Maybe, she said, they need to be taught how to deal with life in the same way the Army teaches soldiers to be sharpshooters.

The Army gets their soldiers exhausted and loopy from lack of sleep, too much hard work, exhaustion and lack of food. They’re at their lowest point physically and mentally. They’re barely able to function.  They can’t think straight and they can’t shoot. That -  she said - is when they teach them how to shoot. Because THAT is how they’ll feel and what the conditions will be like when they are in a war and actually need to be shooting. Anyone can shoot when conditions are perfect. It’s when they’re not perfect that we need to learn how to operate.

So maybe, she said. Maybe the best time to learn how to write when you’re depressed, or deal with life when you’re depressed, is to write and deal when you’re actually depressed. Maybe now, when things are the darkest, and the most depressing and nothing is going right - it’s actually the best time to be writing and making hard decisions. So I thought about that - and it’s 2 a.m. and I’m still thinking about that.

My seedlings, I’m sure, didn’t think about whether or not they wouldn’t grow much in low light. They just grew. They had enough light to grow as much as they could grow. They didn’t refuse to grow because it was raining outside and there wasn’t much light and maybe they’d wait for a sunnier day. They just did what they did with what they had. When the sun comes out tomorrow, maybe they’ll grow more, their paleness will turn darker green as the sun does its thing and so on. The important thing is, they’re becoming watermelons one day, one quarter-inch at a time. Some days will be sunnier and better and they’ll grow more - but they won’t stop just because it stops being sunny. So like a sharpshooter - and a watermelon seedling - I can do the same - train in the rain.

How about you? Are you “training in the rain?”

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Malcom Gladwell has pretty much explained how to “find” the multi-billion dollar answer to social media with his TED talk on spaghetti sauce. He’s right. You can’t ask people what they want. You test all the variables. You don’t say, “What do you like about social media? How do you use social media? What do you THINK or FEEL about social media. You look at the data. How are they using it? WHEN are they using it?  Good video. Howard did food, who will do social media?

Anyone with a solid psychology background probably has a great handle on how many (Enneagram) “3’s” and “6’s” and “8’s” there are any social network, but what personality type is most likely to use (or not use) social media? Any indicators that point to what kind of people are in the 20% that do 80% of the work, posting or innovating? What if the secret to social media is not to market to a tribe, but to personality types WITHIN that network or media? Adds new meaning to “social media” doesn’t it?!

When we begin seeing the world and people around us in the way they see themselves, and respond to their actual needs rather than their perceived needs - the world changes.

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